The Secret Diary of Yuki Sohma
by SnowLion no Miko
Summary: Our beloved Yuki-kun has gotten a diary...what insanity shall come of this? We shall delve deep into the insane mind of the rat of the zodiac and read what he thinks, feels, and witnesses. Oh the horror of it all! R&R!
1. Entry One: A Pink Diary

The Secret Diary of Yuki Sohma

xXx

Hello I'm **SnowLion no Miko** and here's my newest humor fanfic…it's our dear Yuki-kun's diary! Please take note that Kyou is my favorite character and if you have any fics with him starring in them please let me know…this idea seemed like so much fun that I couldn't just pass it by! Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the insane mind of Yuki-kun.

xXx

Entry One  
12:03 PM

Hello there, my name is Yuki Sohma. Well, I'm not sure of how to do this because you are my first diary. Tohru Honda-san gave you to me today, because she said "If you can release your pent up feelings somewhere, let it be here." Or something like that…I wasn't paying attention at all.

That stupid cat laughed at me because you are PINK! Pink of all the colors in the stupid rainbow…wait, pink isn't a color of the rainbow. Who cares?! Pink is such a damn girly color! Why would Honda-san give me a PINK diary?!

Great, now Shigure's brought out some pictures of me at the New Years' Banquet! Oh no, Honda-san is laughing! I must go stop Shigure!

1:23 PM

I avoided that disaster, but not without a price. Kyou ran outside when he saw me coming. I guess that cats are afraid of rats, and not the other way around. HA HA! I kill myself.

Why aren't you laughing? Was my joke not funny?! Answer me damn it! Ow! I didn't know books hurt that much when you punch them!

Stupid pink diary…

2:41 PM

Honda-san wants to watch a movie, Kyou suggested "The Karate Kid" which has just recently been translated into Japanese. Honda-san saw this one movie that Shigure had picked out called "Naughty High School Girls On Film" of course I disposed of it. Not Kyou. Me! See how I am so much better than that stupid cat.

Shigure is awfully mad at me though, he said he and my retard brother were going to watch it after we all went to sleep.

Good thing I threw it in a mud puddle.

Oh no, now Shigure wants to invite my brother over…someone help me.

Please?

3:01 PM

Ayame has just arrived, oh sweet fancy Moses he's coming my way! And he has my…oh no. He has my…BABY PICTURES with him?! "Time for some bonding, baby brother!" He shouts.

Someone give me a gun…I want to shoot myself…

4:44 PM

Hatori finally came and took my brother away, but not before Ayame said: "I can't wait for you to start running my shop when I am gone!" I'd rather have a root canal.

I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Ayame the idiot showed Honda-san the baby picture of me lying on my stomach on my blanket. And the worst part was that…I WAS NAKED!! My rear end was sticking up in the air and Honda-san laughed, and laughed, and laughed…

I am so traumatized! This gives me a whole new reason to hate my retarded brother! Yeesh, showing pictures of me naked will not bring us together, it will tear us apart even further!

Kyou laughed harder than Honda-san did, and I'm not surprised. I would laugh hard too if Hatsuharu began showing Kyou's naked baby pictures.

Where is Haru anyway?

5:21 PM

Haru got arrested! Apparently, he turned 'black' and attacked some kid that called him a "damn queer". He took the poor kid by his boxers and hung him on the back of the car and let the car drag him across the interstate. The kid's boxers finally ripped and he was sent tumbling down the road like a stray watermelon.

The kid is in the hospital with a broken leg and arm. He also has a very bad wedgie.

So now Shigure and Kyou left to go bail Haru out and doing so they have left me and Honda-san alone…

Wait, we _are_ alone. _Aren't _we?

Mweh heh heh.

6:48 PM

No, we didn't _do _anything, but we watched a movie called "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" that has also been translated into Japanese. It was very scary…to Honda-san. Every time Leatherface jumped out of the bushes or revved up his chainsaw, she clung to my arm like I was about to go somewhere. Can't you see that I am more cuddlier than that stupid cat? Well I am, so BOOYAH!

Shigure and the stupid cat are back now, Kyou looks paranoid. I wonder why?

7:02 PM

Kyou looked paranoid because he thought me and Honda-san did something. Yeah right…when he told me this, Shigure just laughed and said "I expected this from you, Yuki-kun, but from Tohru-kun? Now that's just crazy…" I promptly threw the candy bar I was eating at him.

That stupid perverted dog! Grrr…I'm going to hit him on the head one more time.

7:08 PM

Yup, I hit him again, and now he has a giant knot on the top of his head. Fight like a butterfly, sting like a bee, that's me, Yuki!

That kinda rhymed ya know.

Kyou is glaring at me now. Time for me to go kick his sorry ass.

8:23 PM

Ha ha ha! I beat Kyou…AGAIN!

But this time I felt bad for some reason…maybe it was because Honda-san was watching. Then after the fight was over, she ran over to the stupid cat instead of me! I won! Kyou lost! I should be the one receiving attention from Honda-san!

Oh no, am I jealous?

Did you just nod?

Oh that's it you stupid piece of-

9:34 PM

Sorry, I kinda threw you in the toilet. You got me mad for nodding at me when I _obviously _didn't want an answer! I flushed the toilet and you were too big, so it started to overflow. I grabbed you out of the toilet and ran out of there like I was being chased by a mob of fangirls!

Fortunately for me, the stupid cat was standing right beside the door and when Shigure asked who did it, I blamed Kyou. Mweh heh heh.

Then after I got somewhere where I couldn't be seen, I started to dry you off with my hair dryer.

Honda-san, being the sweet girl that she is, came and helped me. Yay! Quality time with Honda-san! That could be the name of a television show. It sounds like one.

Well, you are completely dry now, so I'm off to bed. Good night!

1:46 AM

Oh my god, I am so frikin' scared right now…I didn't think that the movie Honda-san and I watched would scare me this bad…but it did!

What's that sound?! I think it's Leatherface coming to get me! Something's scratching on my door…

I need a hug…

xXx

The end of chapter one! Please R&R! I hope it was funny! Oh yeah!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!

Now please press the pretty purple button! See ya!

xXx


	2. Entry Two: The Sacred Ritual

The Secret Diary of Yuki Sohma

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Howdy again! I'm **SnowLion no Miko **and you've stumbled onto one of my brilliant fanfictions! Thank all of ya'll for your reviews…and yes it _is _OOC for Yuki, but that's part of what makes it fun to write! Now enjoy the second chapter!

xXx

Entry Two  
8:04 AM

Whew! I survived the night, thank goodness. Stupid Texas Chainsaw Massacre…

I shall never ever watch that movie again! It caused me to have nightmares! I'll only watch it if Honda-san wants to…and I just pray that she doesn't want to for the rest of her life.

"Breakfast is ready!" Honda-san calls. I better go eat now, before that stupid cat eats my food.

9:33 AM

At breakfast, Honda-san announced that Uotani-san and Hanajima-san were coming over to spend the night. We'll just have to be very careful that they don't hug anyone…

Oh! And when Honda-san said Uotani-san's name, Kyou blushed! I wonder if he likes her…

But wait, he likes Kagura…no, Kagura _wants_ him to like her. He might like Honda-san, but…SHE'S MINE! That good for nothing cat! If he likes her, I'm gonna _kill_ him!

See ya, diary! I'm about to go kick Kyou's sorry ass…again!

10:55 AM

That took longer than I thought, probably because Kyou has been doing Taibo or Taebo; I really don't know how to spell it.

Oh! I think I'll practice writing my beautiful name on this page!

Yuki Sohma _Yuki Sohma_ **Yuki Sohma**

Yuki Sohma _**Yuki Sohma**_

Ahhh, the joy of writing my name, "Yuki" really is the best name in the world to have, ya know. "Kyou" sounds retarded. HA! I personally like the second one I wrote, it has a certain fancy aura, and of course I, Yuki Sohma, only deserve the best.

I think I'm starting to act like my brother!

Oh crap…here comes Kyou and he looks pissed…OW! He punched me! Oh, bring it on, BITCH!

11:16 AM

Ow, my poor bottom. I just got done fighting Kyou and well, I tripped over my untied shoelaces and fell over in a mud puddle.

Don't you _dare _laugh at me!

11:23 AM

Uotani-san and Hanajima-san have just arrived; I wonder why they are so early? Oh well, I'll just have to not get hugged by either one of them.

Uotani-san is fighting with Kyou or as she calls him "Kyon-Kyon". I gotta go use the bathroom now.

12:02 PM

I'm cold, wet, hungry and tired. I think Hanajima-san just cast a spell on me for making fun of the Ouiji Board that she just got out. Momiji wet me. He had cracked the door open and placed a bucket of water on top of it and when I opened the door…

Well, you can probably guess the rest.

I'm sooooo hungry because Honda-san hasn't cooked anything for us ever since Uotani-san and Hanajima-san have been here. But instead of complaining like Kyou no Baka would do, I think I will go watch one of my favorite television shows, Inuyasha. I have a lot of DVDs of it. Why you ask?

Because I think Sango is kawaii.

Don't stare at me like that!

Do you _want _to go down the toilet like last time?!

2:22 PM

Okay, I am officially **freaked out **now. Hanajima-san told me that whoever hurt Honda-san in any way, shape or form would pay. And she told me I would pay for making fun of her Ouiji board that they used to contact Honda-san's mother. And that's not the freaky part! There are little stick men hanging all around the house now. And I mean _everywhere_. There is even on in the toilet, and when I went to use the bathroom it stabbed me!

Hasn't my bottom suffered enough today?

Ow! Uotani-san just hit me in the butt with her basketball!

My poor little booty…

3:42 PM

Hanajima-san is now performing a "scared ritual" as she calls it. I dunno what it is for, but I hope it's not a curse to kill us all for taking Honda-san away from the psychic freak. Oops! I mean "kind and gentle overlord". When I wrote that she was a psychic freak she stared at me and gave me "the eye" ya know the look that The Rock gives his opponents.

"Hana-chan, please put down that butcher knife!" I hear Honda-san shout.

"Ow! That hurts! I'm bleeding!" Shigure cries. Oh no, did that devil reincarnate just-

"Don't kill Shigure-san!" I hear Honda-san plea. Then I see Shigure come barreling into the living room where I am seated presently. He hides behind me and screams in a high pitch wail like my fan club does when I enter the room.

"Now, Hanajima, don't kill the poor lil' Shigure." Uotani's voice rings throughout the house.

"He touched my sacred place!" Hanajima-san clenches the knife tighter, causing Shigure to wince.

"He didn't mean to, Hana-chan. He was just walking up beside you and brushed your chest."

"It's my personal space!" Hanajima-san shouts, and I could've sworn I heard thunder boom right as she yelled.

So, Shigure's hiding behind me, and even I, the great Yuki-sama, is afraid. I mean I got a psycho with a damn butcher knife glaring at me with this raw hateful stare. Did I mention that Hanajima-san's eyes are _really _scary when she's mad. I swear her eyes are red right now.

Now, Honda-san's begging for Hanajima-san to stop, Uotani-san is looking amused, Shigure keeps telling me to haul ass, and Hanajima-san is coming closer to me with that gleaming butcher knife in her hands.

And I don't even want to be a part of this!

5:57 PM

Hanajima-san just got done performing the "sacred ritual". It called for blood of a virgin, so naturally they cut Honda-san's finger and let her blood drip onto the feet of a statue of a naked woman. I still don't approve of them hurting poor Honda-san like that even if it is a so-called "sacred ritual".

But before the "sacred ritual", I told Shigure to just run when Hanajima-san was about to kill his sorry ass. He, of course, listened and ran to Ayame's house, therefore saving him from the wrath of Saki Hanajima-san.

6:46 PM

I just found out what that "sacred ritual" was for. Apparently, when they were using the Ouiji Board, they called up an evil spirit that identified himself as "Rurubara-sama". Rurubara-sama told them that he would kill the person that Arisa Uotani-san and Saki Hanajima-san held dearest, and we all know that it is Tohru Honda-san.

So they performed a cleansing ritual to get rid of the evil Rurubara-sama. Hopefully it worked or my poor little Honda-san is dead poultry!

7:29 PM

I hate that stupid cat! While I was watching my Inuyasha DVDs and singing along to the ending song "Every Heart", he took the DVD out of the DVD player and…H-H-He BROKE IT!! WAAAAHH!!!

My poor Sango-kun! Now she is DEAD! How dare he kill her! I hate that stupid baka neko!

He shall pay for it with his soul.

Whoa, I really need to cut back on the Yu-Gi-Oh intake.

8:25 PM

Okay, so now I am **beyond** freaked out, I accidently caught Hanajima-san in the bathroom talking to the mirror! She was speaking in tongues I tell you! Tongues!

And that's not good if you've ever watched "The Exorcist".

Then when she saw me she said in a deadly icy tone: "I shall unleash Bloody Mary upon all those who question my powers."

That really makes me question if Hanajima-san is who she appears to be.

Uotani-san and Honda-san are calling me to dinner now, got to go.

3:33 AM

I am even more scared than I was yesterday. I swear I just felt two cold hands wrap around my neck and squeeze. Then I woke up and looked around, no one was there! Maybe this "Bloody Mary" person that Hanajima-san was talking about is real. I have heard if you say the words "Bloody Mary, Hell Mary, or Bloody Mary, I killed your baby" three times to a mirror at midnight, then Bloody Mary's soul will come and kill you or scratch your face off or something of that magnitude.

What's that creaking sound?!

Oh my sweet Lord, the door is opening!

Mommy…

xXx

Oooooooooohhhhh, what will become of our little Yuki-kun?! Will he be the next victim of Bloody Mary? Or is someone playing a cruel little prank on our beloved Yuki? Read and find out next time in "The Secret Diary of Yuki Sohma"!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket, Inuyasha, The Exorcist or Ouiji Boards.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Please R&R!

xXx


	3. Entry Three: Mary Sue

The Secret Diary of Yuki Sohma

xXx

Hi, thankies to every reviewer that has reviewed the past two chappies! I never knew this fic would be so popular. I'm so grateful! Now, here's the third installment of the insane mind of Yuki-kun!

On with the ficcie! ::dun dada duuun::

xXx

Entry Three  
6:56 AM

Good morning, my dear diary! I survived the night last night! Turns out that the cold grip I felt on my neck was…

…Hanajima-san…I can't believe she tried to _strangle_ me. She was still mad over that Ouiji Board incident, all I said was "It is foolish to rely on cardboard to predict the future." Hanajima-san glared at me and said: "You shall die tonight." Then I hauled ass out of there and ducked under the covers of my bed and cuddled my Sango plushie.

Don't you dare give me that look!

7:49 AM

I'm at school now, there is a new student, and her name is Konami Makina Suzaku Samiyosho Kinbaku Neko Kawaii. Whoo, just _writing _that name made my hand cramp up. You'd think her parents would stop giving her names just for the hell of it. Now she is telling everyone to just call her "Baka". Doesn't she know that the word "baka" means "idiot" in Japanese? Her eyes are purple and she has blue hair that comes down to her knees and it has white streaks running through it. She has really pale skin as well. Who exactly _were_ her parents? Blue-haired Yetis?

For those of you that didn't know, a Yeti is like the Abominable Snowman.

"Baka-kun, please take a seat behind Yuki-kun." The teacher announces. I shrink down in my seat.

Baka-san bounces to me, oh goodness, she has got some big - never mind. She is not ugly, but I love my Honda-san more than her! Not even the biggest of attributes can tear apart our love for each other!

Is that jealousy in Honda-san's eyes? That is a very foreign emotion to see from her.

Do you ask me if I would possibly choose Baka-san over Honda-san?

Ain't no way, I love Honda-san too much to break her heart like that. Hell would freeze over if I did.

8:33 AM

Please help me someone! Baka-san is aggravating the living crap outta me! She shoves her large breasts in my face every chance she gets! I heard this is how a guy died one time at a strip club! A stripper shoved a man's face into her overly large breasts and he suffocated in them! And the man was at his bachelor party too!

And she is glomping my arm all the time! She won't let go! Not even if I died and was cremated, she would probably burn alive right along with me!

Good thing I shoved her off of my arm and hauled my booty in the boys' bathroom, so now I'm sitting on a toilet writing. It probably looks weird. And _no _I'm not using the bathroom.

But, back to Baka-san.

Not even my fangirls are this slutty! The girl has even cut her uniform shorter than it originally was! It is about two or three inches shorter than Honda-san's skirt! Now every time she bends over I get a glimpse at something that I'm not supposed to see!

I really hate my life.

9:19 AM

Here I am again, with Baka-san on my shoulder. I'm just glad that she hasn't hugged me yet. I swear if she did hug me and Akito made her live with us, I would commit suicide with a rubber band. I dunno how, but _I would find a way_.

Maybe if I told her that I was gay…

YES! That's perfect! I'll tell her that I'm gay!

Now, to find the perfect candidate to me my - gag - boyfriend.

10:03 AM

The auditions have begun! I shall find the perfect candidate for my boyfriend! Ugh, I sound so stupid. Maybe I could just tell her that me and Honda-san are going out, no wait, then she might hurt Honda-san. So I can't do that.

First candidate is Momiji, no, too childish. I'd probably get so aggravated with him I'd resort to plan C - suicide with a rubber band.

I shall find a way to do that. I know I will. I must!

Second candidate is Kyou, NO WAY IN HELL!! Next person!

Third candidate is Akito, hmmm, NO!

Next is the class president, too bossy.

I'll console you when I have made a decision.

11:59 AM

I have finally made a decision! The one and only…

HATSUHARU SOHMA shall be my "boyfriend" until I can deal with Baka-san properly.

Why Haru, you ask? Well, the answer is simple. He won't have a problem agreeing with the idea! He already has feelings for me, does he not? Mweh heh heh! I am a clever little rat that I am.

Whoa, note to self: Stop pretending you're Kenshin Himura.

12:42 PM

Just got out of lunch, which was an absolute _disaster_ for lack of better words. Here's the whole story.

Haru came to lunch and sat beside me. Baka-san was on my left side, and Haru was on my right. Honda-san was in front of me with Kyou beside her.

So then Haru says "Yuuuuukiiii-kuuuuun, I didn't know you were cheating on me." He pouted and stroked my jaw line with his finger. He then moved his face closer to mine and smiled seductively, "Maybe you could do something to make it up to me." He then gave a suggestive wink. He then purred.

I'm sure everyone's eyes at the table widened twice their normal size, as well as mine. Haru looked indifferent, while Honda-san looked surprised, Kyou looked like he was about to vomit. And the weirdest thing was…

…Baka-san looked _pleased_.

I saw Kyou snicker at my surprised look when I realized that I had to play along as well. So I swallowed my pride and said, "When and where, koi?" Then I smiled seductively myself and took Haru's chin in my hand. Haru looked downright happy. I had to stifle a laugh.

Then my eyes found their way over to Honda-san, she looked like she was about to cry. I shall have to explain to her later.

Everyone else, except me, Haru, and Baka-san, looked like they were about to have a stroke.

I was lucky that we were the only ones in the lunchroom besides Hanajima-san, Uotani-san, and some of my fangirls.

Haru's face came closer to mine. Then I realized that he is not a bad looking guy…wait what in the name of sweet fuzzy pink duckies did I just write?!

He whispered in my ear loud enough so everyone could hear, "I want you now, on this table." I swear my whole body tingled, and it wasn't the good kind of tingle ya know. I was petrified for some odd reason.

Everyone shrieked and ran out of the lunchroom as fast as they could. But to my surprise, Baka-san remained her iron grip on my arm which was starting to go numb.

"Aren't you scared of us as well, Baka-san?" I asked, turning toward her and letting my hand drop from Haru's chin.

"Not at all, I LOVE YAOI!" She screamed, bolting up and taking something out from her purse. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was a tape and a tape recorder. She held it up and exclaimed, "I love capturing yaoi moments on film! I have been given the 'Best Yaoi Film Maker award' two years running! See, I've caught Hiei/Kurama, Sensui/Itsuki, Malik/Ryou, Seto/Jounouchi, and Otogi/Honda all on film!"

"Wha?" Haru asked, confusedly.

"I am a Mary-Sue! I can travel through different animes with ease!" Baka-san said triumphantly. "And I've come to Fruits Basket for one reason…to find a decent yaoi moment, and to steal the heart of my favorite bishonen!"

"And who would that be?" I asked wearily.

"Why, it's _you_ Yuki Sohma!" She pointed at me.

"What the hell?!" I screamed and ran for the door. She chanted something freaky and I was frozen in ice.

"I am also an ice kitsune, a priestess, and a member of the Chinese zodiac!" She said as if she had accomplished something.

"If you are a member of the Sohma family, then why isn't your last name Sohma?" Haru asked.

"Because I am the all-powerful Mary-Sue! Bow before my feet!"

"No!" Haru exclaimed. "You're feet have fungus!"

"They. Do. Not." Her rainbow colored eyes narrowed with anger as she brought out a shard of the Shikon no Tama. Right now I'm thinking, _'How the hell did she get a Shikon Shard, and didn't her eyes used to be purple?'_

"I got this Shikon Shard from Fluffy after he killed Kagome in one of my fanfictions." Baka-san said, "Kagome is such a bitch isn't she? She whines all the time, kinda like Sango, always whining about how her brother is under Naraku's control and all that pointless crap. Sango SUCKS!"

'_She did NOT just say that!'_ I thought as my blood pressure began to rise.

"But, Kagome and Sango aren't as bad as Kikyo! Man, I wish she would just stay dead and give me and Inuyasha a chance to be together! Or I want Sango to die to give me and Miroku a chance!" Baka-san continued her pointless ranting and then the inevitable happened…

…Haru turned black.

"Shut up you whiny little bitch!" He yelled, Baka-san looked taken aback. "Not every guy is going to like you, so shut the hell up cause you're really starting to piss me off!" Haru grabbed Baka-san by the collar. "If you don't shut up I'm gonna rip off your head, stick it on the flagpole, burn your body to ashes and sprinkle those ashes on top of cupcakes that I shall bake and distribute to everyone."

"Meep." She gulped.

"Meep?! What in the name of crap does that mean?!" Haru yelled in her face.

Baka-san took out the Shikon Shard and pressed it to her flesh. It was immediately absorbed into her and she became stronger. She punched Haru and sent him flying across the room. He landed in the pile of old cheese that the lunch ladies had just left out.

Baka-san then approached me. "Listen, I know you're not gay, so shut up." She snapped at me. She pressed her hands on the ice and it began to melt. I fell to the ground relieved.

"Now come with me." She yanked my hand and we went out of the lunchroom. When we were in front of Honda-san and the others she did something unexpected, she planted a kiss on my lips right in front of the girl that I care for more than life itself! I felt like kicking her scrawny ass out of my world and into one of her precious "fanfictions".

Honda-san began crying hysterically and ran off. Hanajima-san and Uotani-san ran after her while I just stood by Baka-san feeling like a worthless piece of-

Well, you know…

4:56 PM

I can't stand to look at myself, Honda-san hates me now, and I hate Baka-san. Why, oh, why did she have to come in the picture anyway?! Everything was perfect with Honda-san and she just had to come along with her Mary Sue-ness and ruin everything!

Oh how I hate Baka-san.

7:45 PM

I apologized to Honda-san, she said it was okay and that it looked like Baka-san forced me to kiss her in the first place.

Now, me and Honda-san are starting over again, trying to erase that bad memory, and at the same time I am trying to figure out exactly _what_ happened at lunch, it still is a little confusing to me.

"Yuki-kun, dinner is ready." Honda-san calls softly.

"Coming, Honda-san!" I call back. Her cooking is always the best. Better than that stupid cat's anyway. I forgot when the last time I kicked his sorry ass was. Hmmmm…

Oh, well, I'll just have to figure that out later. After I come up with a plan to eliminate Konami Makina Suzaku Samiyosho Kinbaku Neko Kawaii a.k.a. Mary-Sue.

Mweh heh heh.

xXx

There ya go! Thanks for reading this far, this chapter was kinda long, but I hope everyone has enjoyed it! No, this ain't the last chappie! This fic will probably never end! My goal is to get at least one hundred reviews! This is probably the fastest that I've ever updated anything, and it's all thanks to your reviews!

Now, give me an early X-mas present and press the beautiful purple button.

xXx


	4. Entry Four: Boxers or Briefs?

The Secret Diary of Yuki Sohma

xXx

Thank you everyone for your kind reviews! I haven't gotten one flame, which I am very proud of. Here's your fourth chapter, and I hope you enjoy the insanity of Yuki-kun's mind as he tries to kill and/or main, Baka-san, my slutty OC. Mweh heh heh.

On with the ficcie:dun dada duuun:

xXx

Entry Four  
6:23 AM

Good morning, Pinky! That's my name for you now, because you are pink! Now, Pinky, we shall do what we do every day…

**Try to take over the world!**

Pinky, Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!

Narf!

Sugar rush baby!

Cocoa Pebbles ROCK!

7:07 AM

Whoa, my head hurts, partly from the sugar high and partly from the noogie Shigure gave me this morning. That guy's noogies hurt like the dickens!

I just said that out loud and I sounded like an old person…tee hee hee!

Oh no here comes Baka-san, she's made a new adjustment to her school uniform. She has made it a v-neck so it shows her booby-crack. Hee hee, booby-crack, that's a funny word.

Now she latches onto my arm and it hurts so much. She left a bruise from yesterday and I swear it is cancerous. No offence to people with cancer. It's just a big knot there where she had practically cut off the circulation to my beautiful arm.

Oh, how I wish she would burn, burn, BURN!

8:00 AM

Well, now the school is holding a beauty pageant for all the girls. It is being held tomorrow in the gym, and I am one of the judges! Yahoo! Of course I shall vote for Honda-san hands down. She shall win! Unless Baka-san decides to be a slut and make beautiful and occasionally painful love to everyone on the panel…I will decline from this offer, of course.

Baka-san thinks she is sexy, but well…I don't think she is, but Honda-san showed a picture of Baka-san to Shigure and he said, "She is a very well developed young lady…I love high school girls!"

Great, now I have that song stuck in my head…I'll sing it for you.

_I'm too sexy for my shirt…_

You already know how the song goes.

9:37 AM

Baka-san is clinging to my arm…again…I can only pray that she will stop, but not even that will help the situation.

Honda-san is a sweet person and she just pretends like nothing is wrong. How I would love for her to just come up and slap Baka-san. Meow! Cat fight! Ha, ha, ha! I wonder who would win, though. Let's size up the opponents, shall we?

Honda-san: Kind, sweet girl. Not too muscular. Shorter than I am. Her weapons would probably be her sweetness or something of that matter. Maybe she could cook a cake and put laxative in it, then she could feed it to Baka-san! Mwa ha ha! Perfect. I'd love to see Baka-san's face go all screwy and she'd run to the bathroom as if she'd been chased by millions of her prized Kurama plushies.

Wait…she would probably drag me into the stall with her! Oh, nooooo, that is not something I would like to see. I would rather be nibbled on by fifty hamsters!

Baka-san: Well, her skirt is shorter, which allows for more mobility, even though it is beyond gross. She has big assets…like I said in a previous entry about that man dieing because a stripper shoved her breasts in his face and suffocated him.

I just hope that is not Honda-san's fate as well…

10:54 AM

Ways to get rid of and/or humiliate Baka-san (or myself in the progress):

Plan A: Pretend to be gay – failed miserably.

Plan B: Suicide with rubber band – still testing, _I will find a way…_

Plan C: Laxative in cake – tempting for Baka-san and that stupid cat…

I'm carefully going over all the backfires of Plan C.

11:13 AM

It's set. I will ask Baka-san to come to our house for dinner tonight. Honda-san will bake a cake, and, without Baka-san knowing, I shall slip some laxative into it and only tell Honda-san about it, so she won't eat any. This way, I can get back at the stupid cat, Shigure _and _Baka-san.

Sometimes I'm so smart, I surprise myself.

Mweh heh heh…

12:01 PM

It's all ready now. I just got done talking to Baka-san, and she agreed to come over to our house tonight. Mweh heh heh…she won't know what hit her.

Maybe I can invite my retarded brother over and it will be a quadruple whammy…

Oh, well, I'll think about that later, here's the conversation me and Baka-san had just moments ago…

"Baka-san?" I asked, walking over to her.

"Oh, what is it my dear, sweet Yuki-kun?" She asked or rather…_purred_. My assumptions were probably wrong; she's not related to a Yeti, she is related to a very stupid cat…err…something like a cat at least…

"Honda-san asked me to invite you to dinner at our house," I replied, smiling my most princely smile. Well, I am the _prince_, so I have to have a princely smile!

"Oh, Yuki-kuuun!" She squealed, breaking several windows in the process. "I'd love to!" She then did the inevitable…

…she hugged me…

POOF!

"You said you were a zodiac member yesterday!" I yelled, "Why did I just turn into-"

"Oops…" She muttered, bending down and scooping me up in her arms and pressing me against the two large – well, you know…I felt just like the man who got suffocated by the stripper… "I was faking it, sorry, it's _fanfiction_ after all, my sweet Yuki-kun!"

She sat me on the windowsill and smiled, "I guess you'll just have to wait and turn back,"

I stood up on the windowsill and looked down at the school grounds. We were on the second floor. Honda-san and the stupid cat were canoodling under a tree. They looked like they had just laughed at something. I wondered what it was when suddenly…

POOF!

There I was, standing on the windowsill, as naked as the day I was born, people squealing with delight from outside the window. I blushed and turned around, exposing my bottom to everyone. "Baka-san, hand me my clothes!" I shouted at the girl, but she just got a mischievous look in her eyes and scooped up my clothes.

She pretended to give them to me, but then snatched them away as soon as I was about to grab them, "Nah ah ah!" She laughed playfully, running down the hall, scattering my clothes this way and that. She left my boxers right in front of me.

"Damn it," I muttered, picking up the boxers and putting them on. I then began on the chase after Baka-san.

She had scattered the rest of my clothes in a very tall tree. _Very tall_. Once I had put them on and regained my composure, I carefully explained to all of the school that I had spilled Hawaiian Punch on my uniform and had basically taken it off and dried it and my wet underwear. I stood naked in the window to cool myself off. Thank the Lord they believed it.

Now everyone in school knows something secret about the "Prince" Yuki Sohma:

He wears boxers, not briefs.

1:00 PM

Baka-san is scheduled to come to our house for dinner at exactly five o'clock tonight.

I can't wait to see the look on her face as she rushes to the bathroom, desperately trying to not dump a load in her pants.

Mweh heh heh…

4:52 PM

Ahh…Baka-san had just arrived. She is wearing a rather skimpy outfit if I do say so myself. It looks like on I have seen on sale at Ayame's shop. It's a nurse's outfit that comes to her thighs and she is wearing a hat on her head. I have one last thing to say:

Let the fun begin.

7:03 PM

How chaotic that dinner was! I guess I'll have to tell you about everything, now don't I?

Baka-san arrived and immediately clamped onto her usual place. My arm. She was very flirtatious and, as usual, it got on Kyou's last nerve. Well, _everything_, gets on Kyou's last nerve, doesn't it?

It started off normal enough, with the exception of Shigure cracking jokes about Baka-san's – well, you know…

"I can't wait to climb those giant mountains!" He exclaimed, throwing an arm over our guest. Baka-san got a mischievous grin on her face.

Kyou rolled his eyes, and then Kagura, who decided to drop by as well, grinned. "Shigure-san, we're in the presence of young people," She said, forcing a smile.

"You're young yourself, stupid!" Kyou snapped. Kagura sent him a glare that immediately shut him up.

"Oh, don't worry Kagura-kun!" He laughed and placed his other arm around her shoulders.

At this moment, I'm thinking, _'Does he think he's a pimp or something?' _Which I hope to God isn't true.

Honda-san then arrived through the door with our meals which were a bowl of miso soup for everyone. She had placed a bowl in front of everyone and then went to go give the last bowl to Baka-san. She was walking over to Baka-san, when some of the hot soup sloshed onto her finger and she dropped the whole bowl all over Baka-san and her skimpy outfit!

Baka-san let out a scream to end all screams. She stood up and screamed some more. "My favorite outfit! You peasant! You ruined my favorite outfit!"

"Eh! I'm so sorry, Baka-san!" She exclaimed, grabbing a towel and beginning to wipe Baka-san's skirt off.

"RRRAUAGH!" She roared, flailing her hands about, as if to make Honda-san stop. "I only weigh eighty-seven pounds! It hurts!" She was referring to Honda-san's desperate attempts to dry her off, which were failing miserably, for it only hurt her.

"I'm really sorry!" Honda-san apologized, her eyes welling with tears.

"Shut up!" Baka-san yelled.

"Listen," Kyou's harsh voice said, "You are our guest here," He glared daggers at Baka-san, "So don't come here like you own the place or I _will _do something about it." I swear, I was actually agreeing with Kyou in my mind!

"What. Did. You. Say?" Baka-san said, turning to face the stupid cat with rage in her eyes. Now her eyes had decided to change colors again. They are rainbow colored instead of purple once more.

"You heard me," Kyou said, his tone deathly serious.

"How dare you talk back to me?" Baka-san yelled, clenching a fist, "I will kill you!" She reached in her hair, flipping his over her shoulder and pulling out a rose.

"What're you gonna do?" Kyou smirked, "Poke me with a thorn?"

Baka-san's eyes narrowed, "No," She said, holding the rose firmly in her hand. With a swift motion, the rose turned into a thorny whip like a vine, "Rose whip!" She said, slashing the whip at Kyou.

Then it hit me, she was pretending to be Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho!

Except she obviously didn't have the charm and charisma of the dear old spirit fox.

The whip tied around Kyou as the stupid cat struggled, "Hey! What the hell?"

"Ha ha ha!" Baka-san cackled as she walked over to a rafter and tied the other end of the rose whip around it, leaving Kyou suspended above the floor about a foot or so.

Kagura stood up, protesting the fact that the slutty Baka-san laid hands on her precious Kyou-kun. "Hey!" She shouted.

"What is it, Mrs. Piggy?" Baka-san snapped, turning her head to face the boar.

"Don't treat Kyou-kun this way!" Kagura yelled.

"Me?" Baka-san said innocently, but then her eyes narrowed evilly, "But _you're _the one who always beats on him just because you feel like it!"

"That's it!" I swear if Kagura was like Haru, this would be Black Kagura. She literally snapped and charged toward the nurse clad female. She punched Baka-san in the face and sent her flying through the door and into the backyard.

She ran out the broken door and into the yard, where Baka-san's motionless body was located.

"K-Kagura-san…" Honda-san said meekly, "You d-didn't kill her, did you?"

"No." Kagura said, her voice dead serious.

Baka-san opened one of her eyes and stood up. Blood dripped from the corner of her mouth, she wiped it away with the back of her hand, "That all you got, bitch?" She smirked.

Kagura's eyes narrowed dangerously, "Die!" She screamed as she picked up Baka-san by the collar and raised a fist to her face.

"Kagura-san, stop please!" Honda-san pleaded, her hands clasped in front of her chest.

Kagura's fist stopped centimeters from Baka-san's face. She dropped Baka-san to the ground and she landed with a thud. "Fine, Tohru-kun," She sighed. But suddenly, Baka-san's hand shot up and clenched Kagura's throat.

"Never…_ever_ throw a punch at me again, got it, Mrs. Piggy?" She said, her tone icy. Her fingers dug into Kagura's throat around her windpipe, making her breathing ragged. I admit, I was scared for Kagura, even though I know she can take care of herself, but she was gasping for air! Who wouldn't be scared!

I ran over to Baka-san and tapped her shoulder, "Baka-san, leave Kagura alone."

"Yun-chan…" I heard Kagura whisper.

"I have to deal with this bitch properly, Yuki-kun," She said venomously, "Go away."

I couldn't stand it. Her arrogance. I hate it! I straightened out my hand flat and hit her it the neck with the side of it. She fell to the ground, unconscious. I don't know what came over me, as I normally never hit girls.

Kagura was free from her iron grip, thank goodness. Honda-san ran over to Kagura and held her up, "Are you okay, Kagura-san?" She asked, her voice filled with worry.

"F-Fine…Tohru-kun," She smiled weakly.

So after that, I had to carry Baka-san home, but I really didn't carry her to her _house _exactly. She was too heavy and I had no clue where her house was, so I simply laid her unconscious body on a bench besides the bus stop.

Hopefully, the bus will pick her up and take her far, far away from me.

10:56 PM

Well, I am about to go to bed, so I'll see ya in the morning. Plan Laxative failed miserably, but I will live to exterminate Baka-san another day!

I swear I will!

Or…I'll commit suicide with a rubber band…

…_I will find a way._

xXx

Finally, chapter four is done and posted! Sorry for the long wait, guys. I hope this chappie was funny. The next chapter will probably be about Yuki and the beauty pageant with Baka-san and the other girls from his school.

It'll be hilarious, don't worry!

Now, please press the pretty purple button and review!

xXx


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